My Partner Doesn’t Find Me Attractive Anymore - IDEAS

My Partner Doesn’t Find Me Attractive Anymore

 Learn the signs and how to rekindle attraction in your relationship.

For a relationship to thrive, a few things have to be in place: love: to maintain the connection, tenderness, and care that drew you and your partner together. Trust: an important foundation every bond needs to promote a sense of security between significant others, and of course—attraction—because passion combined with excitement keeps the fire burning in any successful relationship.

It’s hard to place any of these factors above the other, this is because they all work in sync to keep a relationship going. However, knowing that your partner experiences an electrifying thrill from mundane things like your smile, how clothes fit on your body, or perhaps even simply watching you work in your element, is a feeling that isn’t easily traded in a relationship. 

This is why at the first signs that you no longer spark a fire in someone you love, it can feel more than a little unsettling.

This article describes certain behaviors that may indicate a reduction in how attractive your partner finds you. In the event that your partner exhibits these traits, you'll also learn tips to help with reigniting the flame in your relationship. 

Signs That Your Partner Doesn’t Find You Attractive

Let's take a look at some signs that your partner may not be as attracted to you as they once were.

You're Having Less Sex

One of the first ways to determine how your partner feels about your physical relationship is to examine your sex life. Are you having less sex? What does foreplay usually feel like and has it changed dramatically? Are you and your partner taking the time to speak and compare notes after sessions?

This may be specially noticed with married couples. While there is a tendency for sex to slow down during marriage—a population study found a considerable decrease in the number of times couples had sex weekly1—a sudden change in the frequency in which you have sex with your partner could indicate a change in how attractive your partner finds you.

Likewise, when the intimacy is missing from foreplay, or if this act is removed altogether when you have sex; it could be another warning sign.

In some cases, the frequency with which you have sex may not be affected, but what is considerably changed is how your partner goes about things. Sex may start to feel routine, almost like a checkbox to be ticked in your relationship—gone is the passion, conversation, and intimacy that usually would have followed your lovemaking. 

Your Partner Is Spending More Time Apart From You

Where your partner is starting to spend more moments away from the home you share, or away from you, this can understandably be worrying.

However, you and your partner spending less time together may not always be a cause for concern—they may simply want some time alone and may find it difficult to share without stirring your fears.

However, where they are repeatedly giving excuses as to why they can’t meet, or when you do spend time together, it’s typically brief and lacking real intimacy—this could signal a waning attraction towards you.

They Are Putting Less Effort Into the Relationship

A truly painful indicator that your partner no longer finds you attractive is how little effort they are putting into the relationship. Terms of endearments may be dropped, planning activities together may be a thing of the past, and even getting them to respond to your texts may become a worrying challenge.

This can be considerably painful, especially in cases where your partner was particularly diligent in making you feel special early in your relationship.

Intimacy Is Starting to Feel Familial

In other cases, you may find that your partner does all the right things: frequently calls you during the day to give updates, plans movie dates, or has a day set out where you eat somewhere fancy during the week. The only issue is, that it feels more like you're dealing with a brother or sister, than a person you would prefer to remain intimate with.

While the friendship and trust remain in the relationship, very noticeably missing is a spark that shows that your partner has eyes only for you, and will do all things possible to keep that flame alive.

Understandably, infatuation may not always be the most lasting reaction you produce from your partner. However, when your significant other begins to lose their attachment and desire for you, this may threaten the future of your relationship.

You're Fighting More Often

If your partner is more irritable towards you, and never wastes an opportunity to quarrel about the big or small things in your relationship—not only is this a sign that they may be having a waning attraction towards your charm and appeal, but it could also signal something more trouble for the continuation of the relationship.

How to Rekindle Attraction in Your Relationship

Accepting the reality that your partner may no longer be attracted to you can be painful. However, this level of awareness may be the key that helps to turn your relationship back on track. 

Below are different ways to get your partner to fall back into being attracted to you:

Have an Open Conversation

In addition to love, trust, and attraction—communication is a bedrock of relationships that cannot be taken for granted.

Speak to your partner openly and honestly about the changes you have noticed in their attraction to you. Learn how they see you, or if your behavior has changed to an extent that may be causing them to pull away.

While this may be easier said than done, especially because communicating while resolving challenges is particularly difficult for couples—by hearing things directly from your partner, you may learn certain traits you may otherwise have been unaware of that could have affected your intimacy.

It's important to note that finding the right way to communicate with your partner during this period could be critical to properly discussing your worries.2 As much as you can, avoid accusatory statements, or speaking when tempers are high. An open, honest conversation should be the target when talking things over with your partner.

Spend Some Time Apart 

It might seem counterproductive to keep away from your partner at a time you want them to look more closely and feel something with you—but this change just may be what your relationship needs.

By taking the time to go on solo trips for yourself, and encouraging your partner to take a vacation with family and friends—you may give your partner the opportunity to miss you. This could also give you a chance to rediscover yourself.

Time apart doesn’t, however, mean staying completely away from your significant other. Check in from time to time to avoid alienating them. You may use this period to spice up your relationship digitally through virtual or phone calls. This might offer a change from your usual relations and could help to improve their attraction for you.

Go Back to the Basics of Romance

With your partner’s indulgence, you can take your relationship back to the early days by doing all the things you and your lover engaged in while dating.

Take the time to go on dates, take extra care with your appearance, and write intimate love letters to each other. Going on movie dates, taking cooking classes together, or partaking in other intimate couple activities like a pottery class could help to offer a needed intimacy change.

Keeping in close proximity, and breaking from the routine of your relationship can help to improve your partner’s attraction to you.

Speak to a Therapist

In other cases, you may decide to get professional help to intervene in your relationship challenges. Therapy is a great way to explore and improve any intimacy or attraction challenges you may be experiencing with your partner.

Different forms of therapy are available to manage any challenges with your partner—cognitive existential couples therapy, couple-based cognitive-behavior therapy, and cognitive dialectical behavioral therapy are just some of the ways a professional can intervene in your relationship.3

Beyond working on your partner’s attraction, a relationship therapist may also help to identify the strengths in your relationship, as well as other areas in which you and your partner can stand to improve.

A Word From Verywell

If common tales are anything to go by, attraction is one of the very first things to exit a relationship. However, no matter how much this tidbit is shared, it doesn’t always have to be true. Attraction and intimacy are very important for the success and happiness you derive from your relationship. These features can be salvaged, despite the warning signs you may have picked up from your partner’s demeanor. Spending time apart to re-discover your love for each other, speaking honestly about challenges, or taking some time to attend couple’s therapy are just some of the ways to put the magic of attraction back into your relationship.

If you’re leaning towards professional help in your relationship, learn a little about a treatment you and your partner may benefit from in this guide to reunification therapy.

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